The mess keeps expanding out of it's corner... and whispers mean things in my mind. I have started, as of today, to go to work everyday... throwing shoes on and trying not to look at my paintings for fear of losing track of time. Chugging my coffee and racing through the chores. I don't know when I will get any painting done, or why I feel the need to anyway. It's pretty fruitless. My inventory piles up and yet I "don't have a thing" for the Sharon On the Green Festival August 7th. (Am I Imelda Marcos with no shoes to wear?) A job, an art teaching one, pays the bills and reduces financial stress but it also creates these dead zones of commuting time and leaves me empty at the end of the day. Do most people live this way? Passed a sign on the way to work that said, "Don't just mutter, here you can declutter". It was for storage units. Wouldn't that be something perverse... I could just paint all night- (forget sleep)- and fill a storage unit or two. It's a sickness. When I catch myself asking "why" I do it, I have to be realistic and accept that there is no good reason. In my almost 50 years there have been several times I've tried NOT to paint, and it only makes me mad. So the trick is to do it for sanity and leave out the need to cover bills with it, or even the worry about where to store it. It all comes down to TIME. Again. The studio is full, I am empty and there is not enough time.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Studio is full and I am empty
The mess keeps expanding out of it's corner... and whispers mean things in my mind. I have started, as of today, to go to work everyday... throwing shoes on and trying not to look at my paintings for fear of losing track of time. Chugging my coffee and racing through the chores. I don't know when I will get any painting done, or why I feel the need to anyway. It's pretty fruitless. My inventory piles up and yet I "don't have a thing" for the Sharon On the Green Festival August 7th. (Am I Imelda Marcos with no shoes to wear?) A job, an art teaching one, pays the bills and reduces financial stress but it also creates these dead zones of commuting time and leaves me empty at the end of the day. Do most people live this way? Passed a sign on the way to work that said, "Don't just mutter, here you can declutter". It was for storage units. Wouldn't that be something perverse... I could just paint all night- (forget sleep)- and fill a storage unit or two. It's a sickness. When I catch myself asking "why" I do it, I have to be realistic and accept that there is no good reason. In my almost 50 years there have been several times I've tried NOT to paint, and it only makes me mad. So the trick is to do it for sanity and leave out the need to cover bills with it, or even the worry about where to store it. It all comes down to TIME. Again. The studio is full, I am empty and there is not enough time.
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You follow your heart... you will mend and it will come again.
ReplyDeleteBut you are NOT empty! You are passionate and are unable to organize your time quite the way you want it. That's OK - you are not in THAT club by yourself, you know! :) Thank God for the job!! and keep painting in those "snatches" of time. Paint for your sanity and because you are good at it. Commuting can be tricky - get books on tape, sing to great songs, and bring your camera and stop every now and then to take photos of things that attract your attention. Many amazing artists can't make a LIVING doing it, but they do live to paint when they can :). I think the trick is to enjoy the pace - whatever it is. And be so happy that you look at life with artists eyes ... the beauty that makes you want to paint in the first place so often goes unnoticed by most people.
ReplyDeleteAmen Sister! I have HUNDREDS of daily paintings in shoeboxes in my studio. Somedays I walk in there and wonder the same thing. But, I can't not paint. If I take a break I am not me. Hang in there and keep painting these treasures :)
ReplyDeleteYour conflict here is beautifully worded. I'm not necessarily happy when I AM writing but my life sucks when I'm not. Yes, the bill-paying job and commute so get in the way. Summer heat makes my energy disability worse and even with longer days, it feels like I spend Mon-Fri in a dark tunnel with work at the morning end and bed at the night end. Where is the fun, where is the creativity.
ReplyDeleteI accidentally deleted 4 comments- but I read them before that- and so thank you!Your words are powerful encouragement. It's amazing how unique we all think we are- and we really are- but there is comfort in the universality of our toils and challenges. I love hearing the stories and hope as well as the commiserating sisters! Thank you so much.
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