Thursday, May 7, 2009
I confess I am a failed control freak. For something like 20 years I have had my fingers in other lives, taking care of this, and taking care of that. It started out simply enough. Was it coincidental to when I became a mother? I helped someone through their predicaments and calmed their worries so efficiently I lost boundaries and it became as though their predicaments were my own. I knew everybody else's feelings and felt them. I started doubting my own worries, and if the ones I had didn't serve the other lives I was told they weren't real feelings anyway. After a while- I am not sure when it happened- I no longer knew my own feelings. About 4 or 5 years ago there was a slight revolt, and I found myself not especially liked as a mom, or a wife, or big sister, friend or daughter. My controlling skills were seen as irritations to others. I've since had to pluck up my tentacles and deal with my own desires and fears. A small underwater revolution has begun.